Lately, I have had babies on the brain. I don't know if it is still from getting to be my friends labor coach 7 weeks ago...or just plain ol' baby fever. Or, it could be that my youngest baby is going to be 2 in less than 2 months...or that my oldest baby is 12! We want 1 more at least if we are able. Since I had my cone biopsy in June we are suppose to wait a year before trying due to my cervix being compromised. However, since it took us 4-1/2 years to get pregnant with our son River....and we honestly haven't done anything to prevent having another since he was 6 weeks old and he is already almost 2...well we decided we are going to take the risk of just not preventing it from happening. I will be 32 in February...and I really would like to be done by 34.
Who knows what God has in store for us. He is the one ultimately behind the timing no matter how many ovulation tests we take or calendars we chart (btw, my Android has an awesome app for tracking my days. You can track when your period started, stopped...it will chart when you potentially should ovulate. You can track when you had sex and everything.) Honestly though...we are trying hard not to get caught up in "trying". We've been there, done that, been heart broken, and ultimately able to rejoice in the end. But after you have gone through that time of trying and waiting and trying and waiting....it is really hard to not let your brain revert right back to that. It is really hard to not let your brain go back to being jealous when you see a mommy's baby bump or a parent holding their newborn babe. EVEN after having a success story. I just can't fathom the thought of being "done" birthing children. My first pregnancy I was 18/19 young and totally unprepared. My second pregnancy I was 29 and although I was older...I kind of felt like it was my first time all over again since it had been 10 years. I feel like the 3rd time will be even more different. Through blogging and reading blogs my eyes have been opened up to so many more possibilities with pregnancy, health, baby wearing, etc...I just feel like the 3rd time I will be able to savor and hold on to every single drop of a moment of being pregnant.
And then there is the guilt. Yes...the guilt. That guilt that used to bring me to say and pray outloud..."God, please don't let me get pregnant again until so and so finally are able to have a baby". I hate it for other ladies that they are not able or haven't yet been successful in concieving a child. I know it is not in my control. I know that I can't change things for them or that me being pregnant changes anything for them. I just can't help the guilt sometimes for the mamas who want to be mamas so badly that they can feel it in their bones. I realize I am probably ultra sensitive to this being that I have been through it myself. But it doesn't stop the guilt.
Well, that wraps up my current state of baby fever...where it ends...only God knows.